There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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