He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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