we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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