im drinking this country out of the recession.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
