and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
