I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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