There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
