Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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