Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize