Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
