I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
