nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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