I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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