I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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