i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
