i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
