Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
