Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
