I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
