This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
