I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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