oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
last night I used snow as a chaser
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