I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
