The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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