Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
