Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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