dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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