$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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