Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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