They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
