My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
