Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
