dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
