Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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