i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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