1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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