Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
