A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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