Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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