I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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