If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize