My liver just broke up with me...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
