I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
