R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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