I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
