Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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