I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
