my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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