I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
