We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
