i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
