I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
