he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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