if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
