If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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