He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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