Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize