...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
