Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
