life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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