if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
