I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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