I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
